January 2017 - a new month, a new year, a new planner to
replace the previous filled in with another round of birthdays, anniversaries,
appointments, and the anticipation of what may be in store for another year of
life. I do not typically create New
Year's resolutions, but this year is different.
By transforming these thoughts and goals into writing, I am hoping to
hold myself more accountable in achieving them.
I chose to focus on 4 areas of my life, each with a 1-word objective.
MYSELF - ACCEPTANCE
I have discovered especially over the course of the past
year that before I can tend to the needs of the rest of my family I have to
ensure I am taking the best care of myself starting with accepting myself for
who I am while striving to recreate other aspects of my life that could benefit
from a little sprucing up in order to become the best version of myself.
I am a true homebody.
Sometimes I do get to the point where I am itching to get out of the
house for a while, go for a drive somewhere - actually out of town - spend some
time away from home but only for a short while and then I am ready to return
back to my safe haven.
I am very particular about certain things. Admittedly I do not maintain a frequently
dusted and often vacuumed house as much as I should and the deep cleaning is
reserved for times of visitors and birthday parties (as an example - when I
went to wash the windows before a birthday party Eli asked what I was doing and
when I mentioned I was going to be cleaning the windows he innocently asked,
"Is that something new?"). However,
I like to have everything put in its proper place and kept that way on a
consistent basis, laundry promptly folded and put in its respective spot, toys
in the right bins, lids separated by type and containers neatly stacked by size;
this gives a sense of order to my life and is something I feel I can be in
control of while providing a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day if
everything is put away.
I like to be in control and in charge. Maybe part of this personality stems from
being the oldest child in my family. In
lieu of spontaneity I prefer to think things through and plan ahead. If something unexpected comes along my path
it is a challenge for me to readjust.
I am an introvert. I
have found I require time to myself to recharge.
I am learning to become more patient. At times I still need to remind myself to
keep my quick-tempered reactions in check and to step back from the situation
to regain new perspective instead of getting caught up in the moment. Raising kids is a journey - for them and me
and I have to remember they are learning as they grow up. Each stage may have its rewards and
challenges but I need to be patient with them and accept where they are along
the way.
In the spirit of traditional New Year's resolutions I am
also attempting to implement a regular exercise routine and observe healthier
eating habits. The treadmill I
previously used a few years ago as part of a Lenten resolution that lasted all
40 days (and no more) made a comeback as I have just enough time to fit in the
preprogrammed 35-minute workout at the end of my work day right before I pick
up Aliyah from daycare. Ensuring 3
balanced meals along with 2 healthy alternative snacks a day will also help
provide a more balanced lifestyle.
Although a bit reluctant to share this next part of my
self-acceptance goal, after contemplating whether to edit this part out or
include it I decided to chronicle this as well as part of my motherhood journey
utilizing the writing process as an outlet for me to express my feelings. Throughout last year I had at first began
experiencing vague and then over time more intense feelings of constant worry,
doubt, fear, sadness, dread, sense of emptiness with lack of motivation and
loss of appetite. There was no snapping
out of it; as much as I tried to quell these thoughts these feelings flooded my
mind on a constant basis in an uncontrollable way. Other people noticed the weight loss before I
even did myself; a step on the scale confirmed what they had been
observing. I found my crying spells
escalating into an episode of sobbing inconsolably while sitting on the kitchen
floor. I realized I was not the wife and
mother I intended to be - I couldn't explain exactly what was happening or
why. I just knew I was not myself. There were no life circumstances to explain
these feelings either. I have a loving
and supportive husband, healthy and happy kids and a job that is a perfect fit,
allowing me the opportunity to work from home doing something I really enjoy
while earning income to support our family.
I finally reached a point where I knew I had to reach out
and get help. In a move that was out of
my character, I took a spontaneous trip to the doctor to explain the situation all the while having an inkling of what was going on but afraid to admit
and accept what I had been dealing with which was confirmed by the diagnosis -
postpartum depression.
I was at first a bit skeptical about the use of medication
to help in this situation. However,
after being prescribed fluoxetine (Prozac) within the first couple of weeks I
asked Ian if he noticed any change from his perspective. Without hesitation, he replied with a quick,
"Yes, you have been smiling more."
Gradually over time within the first month after starting on the
medication I noticed a change myself. I
felt more alive, like myself again. In
retrospect I started feeling better than I had in years. Maybe this was going on longer than I even
realized. The biggest difference I
noticed was in my level of worry. I
consider myself to always have been a chronic worrier by nature, but somehow
now my mind seems to be able to better control those once trivial irrational
thoughts that would keep me ruminating and awake at night and transform them
into a mere fleeting thought. My
previous feelings have been replaced with a newfound confidence, true sense of
happiness, renewed zest for life along with feeling more purposeful and
experiencing a hearty appetite.
After previously extensively researching online and coming
to the same conclusion as the diagnosis based on these symptoms, I have now come to accept the
chemical imbalance in my brain coupled with the changes in hormones after a
second child and embraced these perceived weaknesses with a newfound
strength.
MARRIAGE - GRATITUDE
It is no secret that raising kids can change the dynamics of
a marriage. The focus tends to shift
from your relationship as husband and wife to the needs of the kids. The daily demands of motherhood together with
attempting to find a balance in this modern day and age of work/home life can
create for a tense environment at times.
Ian has really stepped in when I needed it most especially
while transitioning from 1 to 2 kids.
The "keeping score" thing in a marriage is real - as much as I
try not to I can't help sometimes but to get overwhelmed at the tasks
undertaken just by virtue of being a mother with the meal
planning/housekeeping/child rearing/laundry/grocery shopping/to-do lists/etc. I need to remember and focus on all the times
Ian has helped me; he has never hesitated to change a diaper, give the kids a
bath at times and make sure teeth get brushed.
He will take us out to eat Saturday nights and grill for supper on
Sunday nights (year-round!). He takes
them outside when I need a break and the house to myself for some peace and
quiet. Without any prompting or having
to be asked Ian will help with the domestic duties by unloading the dishwasher
every once in a while and working with Eli to pick up the toys. Even if not everything gets back in exactly
the right place, I am still grateful for his effort:)
I am grateful for the gift of our marriage vocation. I have read before about the idea of maintaining
a strong relationship first and foremost with your spouse to build a firm
family foundation as a type of spiritual gift to be able to give your
kids. I want our kids to be able to
observe and know what a strong marriage entails complete with the good times
and the challenging times and how they can be overcome.
KIDS - PRESENCE
During this new year I am going to attempt to improve how I
am present with them by being more attentive during my time with them. Multitasking aside I am going to make more of
an effort to give them my undivided attention and enjoy the moments we have
together and memories made. Too many
times I have found myself focusing more on my never-ending to-do lists and what
I need to accomplish in the course of each day rather than being intentional
about purposefully setting aside uninterrupted time to devote to them on a
consistent basis.
SPIRITUAL - TRUST
Wanting to be in control of every facet of my life, I need
to remind myself ultimately I need to trust more in God especially
in those situations or events that are outside my control. I know God has directed me on the pathway of
my life thus far and I need to remember to trust in his guidance as I continue
along the journey. The worries, doubts,
and fears of today will someday be trivial matters so I need to remember to not
get caught up in them but rather accept those things that are beyond my power
to control and work on improving those areas I can.
Wrapping up this post I wanted to conclude with my 2017
"Bucket List":
- After being in the audience and witnessing a local medium
(Moriah the Medium whose office is based in Dubuque) my skepticism turned into more of a
curiosity that there could be some actual ability of some people to communicate
somehow with those who have passed. I
scheduled a private group reading with her along with my mom and sisters in
February. I know it sounds crazy and I
am aware that mediums are in a category inconsistent with Catholic church
teaching, but after seeing the specific messages she passed along to people she
had never met before and not feeding off any type of information they were
giving to her, I became interested in trying this out ourselves.
- Plan an actual family vacation to Adventureland this
summer. This was my family's childhood
summer vacation destination, and I remember it was always a highlight every
year. Now that we are raising a family
of our own we typically do not travel far from home and rather enjoy just short
day trips to various museums, waterparks, etc.
While this is still in the same state and not truly that far away and
would only be for an overnight (or maybe 2 nights since they have a waterpark
along with the amusement park now) it would still be a bit out of our realm and
a new adventure.
- Schedule an appointment for a professional application of
makeup. I must preface this by
mentioning that I typically am not that into fashion/clothes/shoes/nails. I have never had this done before - not for
my own wedding or my sisters' weddings and have never had a pedicure or
manicure, which I still do not foresee myself ever having interest in that but
I have wondered how my appearance might be altered by having someone with
expertise in this area put their skills to use.
- Splurge on an online order from Georgetown Cupcake
previously featured on the TLC show "DC Cupcakes." This series was my all-time favorite
cupcake/baking show. I instantly fell in
love with the 2 sisters starring in this show.
I always admire the talent of cake decorators. Plus, my favorite part of both wedding
receptions and birthday parties is the cake!!
When I found out you can actually order cupcakes straight from this shop
to be shipped to your home (for a pretty penny, of course), it is something I
had to add to my list!
- Enjoy a performance by our favorite local rock band,
Reddoor. We happened to see them the
first time without even knowing who they were when we were out in Lost Nation
one night and ended up staying out a lot later than anticipated that night
after they set up and started playing.
We saw them one other time in a different town and then they were on a
hiatus for a while but are back at it.
- Increase our amount of date nights. Ian and I have only gone on few date nights
since the arrival of our newest family member.
I think it is a vital part of our relationship to make time for each
other, just the two of us on occasion.
Our lives seem to be so busy with day-to-day tasks and then by the time
the weekend comes we are sometimes too tired to even think about going out and
planning something for the two of us to do.
The time that we do spend together is almost always with the kids in the
mornings getting them ready to go to school/daycare and then at suppertime
again and after we eat it is time for baths and the kids and I all go to bed at
7:00 p.m. since I like to start my day at 3:00 a.m. and start work by 4:00
a.m., hence the early bedtime, so we do not really utilize this time of night
after the kids are in bed when couples would usually have time to rehash the
day's events together. Hopefully this
year we will make more of an intentional effort to make time to reconnect.
- Keep on the lookout for a country music concert. We have enjoyed seeing some of our favorites
- Miranda Lambert, Luke Bryan, and Eric Church in the past. We have not been to a concert in quite a
while, so maybe this year will bring us the opportunity to do just that.
- Try out a spray tan.
When it comes time for summer, one thing I have always been a bit
self-conscious about is my pale skin. I
have always been one to burn but not tan from the sun. I will never consider going in a tanning bed
and a spray tan seems to be a bit safer alternative so I might try it out come
shorts season.
- Attend the "Hearts at Home" motherhood
conference in Peoria
in April. This is one event I am looking
forward to most this year! This weekend
will give me a chance to have some time away by myself (while attempting to
navigate my way to Peoria
which could be an adventure in itself) to take advantage of hearing from
various speakers and go to different workshops revolving around a wide variety
of topics. I previously attended a local
motherhood conference in Davenport
a couple years ago and it was a great experience and the perfect opportunity to
"refuel my tank" of parenting tools and to hear various perspectives
from other mothers sharing their honest, heartfelt stories of their own
journeys.
